When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
