Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Your dad touched me again.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
