Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
