everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
