get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
