Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
