I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
