I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Are we still banned from the library?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
