i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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