You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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