a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
