Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
