He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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