I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I looked at my own cervix.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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