I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
