my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
