I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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