And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
