Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
