She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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