Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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