where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
