well I can't set my house on fire every night
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
