If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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