I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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