and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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