she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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