see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
