please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
