Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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