Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
