Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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