cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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