she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just high enough for therapy.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
