I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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