Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
