I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
