I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
