I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
