I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
