Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
it's like iHOP with fire
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
