i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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