I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
