Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
