Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
