It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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