If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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