Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dude i'm inner monologue high
My balls are so social today.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
