for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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