This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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