just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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