There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
