I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
