everyone is single if you try hard enough
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
