fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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